godwhisperer | (no subject)

[He's unceremoniously dropped in the smoking room. The chains are released, but the door slams shut, and he hears Sonia scream as they do. He doesn't need to watch to know she's been dropped down that trap door, killed like all of the others. He succeeded at nothing but increasing her burdens before she went. He knows that.

He knew when he made his decision that his act was a selfish one, done to appease his own conscience so he could not hate himself for this like he's hated himself for things in the past. And yet, understanding that now only makes him burn with shame, for even if his actions were different, he has disappointed himself all the same. It's only that there was a part of him that believed this would work; if he truly fought, he would prevail. Or accomplish something, a nail in the coffin of the one who brought this upon all of them.

These thoughts all go through his head in a moment, and they paralyze him, seldom present self-doubt and often present guilt blocking his other synapses. And yet, though Gundam Tanaka is not many things he claims to be, he is at his heart a survivor, a fighter, and even overwhelming emotion can't quite block the logical part of him that says, now, both of them died clawing on that door.

It takes a moment to register the meaning of the connection, but of course, of course. The classic trap is fatal where its victim wishes to be most, and if he wants to live, he needs to get away from that door. And if he wants to live is very much a question he's asking. He's lived so long automatically that he's forgotten what it feels like to doubt your survival instincts. He doesn't have time to contemplate the answer to that question, but for now, to lay down and die would be an unacceptable act of cowardice, an insult. So he gives in to the survival instincts.

He rolls away from the door, as far as he can, and crawls to a corner, looking up at it. Death with no mark, faster than starvation, likely to be poison or asphyxiation. If he's going to lose his air there's not much he can do, but he covers his mouth with his scarf and breathes cautiously.

After a while he begins to feel weary and dizzy. So his suspicions were right, but if Yuzu and Sharon's deaths were truly instantaneous, perhaps he's survived the worst of it. He distastefully picks at the tiger rug, even in his current dire straits angry about the magnificent beast it had been before wasted thus, and finds the trapdoor.

There's a keyhole, and that's all he needs; he lies down with his head near the keyhole, breathing in the fresher air. He won't allow himself to sleep but he will allow himself to doze, recognizing the need to conserve energy until the time comes to fight for his escape.]